Chinese GDP Gains on US as Domestic Companies Struggle To make Ice Cream Really Taste Like Colbert

Recently, America has been facing increasing economic threat from famous Asian country, China. The US and China's relationship before our modern times was a beautiful love story in which the world's most influential economy secretly met up with and employed millions of able-bodied factory children. This relationship has been slowly falling apart as more and more of these children are finally getting a chance to grow up. Now, China finds itself home to several multi-billion dollar corporations who are releasing products that pose a threat to the US’s healthy global monopoly on absolutely everything.

This occurrence has acted as a wake-up call for many US businesses, who are now scrambling for new-and-improved products to try and stay ahead of their Chinese counterparts. “We tried over 100 different versions and test groups still said ‘Yuck! This tastes nothing like Stephen Colbert.’” Said Ben and Jerry last Friday, adding, “It’s so hard to make Ice Cream that tastes like celebrities when our lazy workers would rather make enough to feed their families. I mean, they work all day making food, you think they would be sick of it by the time they get home.” It was at this point in the interview that Jerry started to weep, mumbling something about how immigrants just don’t care about America anymore.

Competition isn’t just stressing out our ice cream giants, it’s threatening our very way of life - Facebook. Chinese social media competitor, WeChat, recently hit over 1 billion monthly users, and is poised to continue to be a threat to China-banned Facebook. According to an ex-Facebook intern, when Mark Zuckerberg heard this news he absolutely flipped., firing the intern - not for the news, but for disturbing his VR Neko Girlfriend, Mark Zuckerberg, and his ‘no-rules cuddletime.’ Still, Facebook does have a sizeable lead on WeChat, boasting 1.56 billion daily users, but unfortunately, an estimated 85% of those accounts are catfishes (estimates having been come to by me, a reporter still looking for cheap date + easy hookup).

The US Treasurer, Trump appointee, and life-long Kentucky Republican Jovita Carranza, said she believed the issue was simple: “China has 1.1 billion people, the US has 350 million. We can’t compete unless that changes and that’s what I dedicate my life to.” She then picked up her “END ABORTION NOW!” sign and walked back into the rally.

Change is coming, and it's coming sooner rather than later. In the time it took to write this article, Huawei, a Chinese Telecommunications company has made great strides in their 5G technology and have taken a 15% market share lead over competitors Nokia and Ericsson. On the other side, America boasts a similar innovation in that the Jimmy Fallon Ice Cream really tastes a lot like Jimmy Fallon.


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