If Abortion is Murder Then Masturbation is Genocide

by Devin Ruskin '20, May 24, 2019

This whole abortion is murder thing is ridiculous. How can people think an unborn acorn-sized mix of jizz and egg is a human being? And what’s really fucked up is that guys can just jerk it all the time, killing their baby-making tadpoles one jizz spray at a time. And they can get away with that? That’s seriously fucked up.


If you ask me, all I have to say about this whole conundrum is: semen is gross. Why does white jelly goo come out of someone’s piss stick and they think that’s so cool? It’s like, is Elmer’s glue cool? Well, yeah, it is. You can peel it off your skin after it dries. But semen? That just sticks to your hand and it smells like aged dust.


And jizz is just nasty. Like, yeah, it’s a cool word, jizz, jizz, jiiiizzzz. But jizz is wet and warm, and the only wet and warm thing I like is hot tea. And showers. And baths. And when I pee in the bath and it makes it even warmer.


And people are always like “Devin, isn’t it crazy that men can lose all of their sperm cells when it’s cum time and women aren’t even allowed to have abortions?” And to that I say, semen, jizz, cum. All of these are cool-ass words, but why is the real stuff so fucking gross? That’s such a waste of cool words. And think about it: Jizz? Jizz can’t save the world or anything.  It’s just human cream cheese that melted into a stickier substance. Like that isn’t the cure for Cancer.  


Oh, and whoever said pineapple makes their you-know-what taste better? Fucking wrong. Pineapple is crème de la crème fruit. Don’t get it twisted. But eating it does not make your cum paste taste like a mother fucking piña colada.  


So to those twenty-five men in Alabama voting to abort abortions, I fucking dare you to eat your own cum. Some of you sick fucks would probably like it. Or rub that shit all over your end-of-life crisis faces. Take a fucking sticky ass bath in your grandpa jizz. Take a fucking Viagra boner pill and jerk it to those unborn fetuses you’re keeping.


Anyway, to conclude. Jizz nasty. Too sticky. Smell not good. Me no likey. 

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