Breaking news! New emotion discovered!
by Kayla Devereux '20, April 19, 2019

 

Scientists discovered a new emotion today: how great it feels to squeeze boobs! The group of scientists consists exclusively of middle schoolers at Middle School on the Hill. “You heard it here first folks, there’s a scientific way to measure the pleasure you feel when you fondle those tasty milk sacs,” they stated. When asked how they measure this feeling one boy, Jimmothee said, “Well you kinda… get tingly in your parts... and we measure that? Most of our studies have shown boobs are awesome by about 3 inches.” Despite their hesitancy to answer my questions, they clearly had a lot of passion for boobs. Therefore, I have no reason not to believe these middle schoolers and you shouldn’t either! These science prodigies might just win a Nobel prize!

 

Breaking news! My editor is outraged by my lack of journalistic integrity since “none of these middle schoolers are qualified scientists” and “one of them is my nephew”. Not to mention all that stuff I said about them being prodigies and what not. So what? I had a little entire bottle of wine! Sue me!

 

The following has been written by me sober:

Can new emotions be claimed to be discovered? Can emotions even be measured? When questioned intensely, the middle schoolers broke down crying, I felt a little bad. Furthermore, emotions are kind of more a part of the philosophical field, although the study of emotions has branched off into some fields of cognitive psychology. Perhaps these middle schoolers might have just discovered what being “horny” is, as we call it in the scientific community. This feeling really isn’t much of a surprise to anyone, except this clan of middle schoolers. As a grown woman with boobs, I’ve always known how great it feels to squeeze them myself and have them knocked around by another fine human.  No new emotion has been discovered. From everyone at the publication, we apologize for reporting on this in the first place.

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